I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
