I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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