She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize