That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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