is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
