I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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