i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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