Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
