I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
