Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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