My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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