dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
