id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
