I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
