Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Randomize
