true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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