I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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