am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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