you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
People in love make me want to vomit
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
