I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
