Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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