if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
it was like eating out sand paper
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
