I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
