I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
