i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
