Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
