You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
