I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
