my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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