Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
