what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
