remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
