Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
