"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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