i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
