I just made out with a guy for $7.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
