Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
