he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
