I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
