peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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