She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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