hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
