dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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