someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
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there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
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I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
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