bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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