if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
