My hair reeks of homosexuality.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Every concussion has its silver lining
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
