ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
