my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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