So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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