I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
two words...techno handjob
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
