If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
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