I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
they're like a gay fantastic four
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize