Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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