he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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