You work out of a Hotel?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
